twilight, the novelwell, a parody of it
by slavetomyownwill
Summary: I'd never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough within the past few months-but even if I had, I wouldn't have imagined it quite like this. I knew that if I'd never bought those potato chips, I would not be facing death now..


twilight, well, a parody of it

I'd never given much thought to how I would die—though I'd had reason enough within the past few months—but even if I had, I wouldn't have imagined it anything like this.

I knew that if I'd never had gone to Forks, especially the grocery store where I bought the stinking potato chips, I wouldn't be facing death right now.

Surely, it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved, for the sake of potato chips. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.

I stared without breathing across the long room into the dark eyes of the hunter. He smiled pleasantly as he sauntered forward to kill me.

. . . . .

I got into the car, dreading the ride. I was leaving Phoenix so my mom could be on the road with her new husband, Phil. I was moving to Forks, Washington, a small town with a small grocery store. The good news is, my dad said that their brand of potato chips is really good.

The plane ride was incredibly short. Before I knew it, I was riding in my dad's police car to our house. My dad was chief of police of the little backwater town.

I opened the bag of potato chips he had bought for me, and started munching down on them. He was right. They were delicious. Man, I bet people would _kill_ for potato chips this good. When I got home, my dad had bought me a truck. It was big, and rusty. However, I'm a klutz, and it looked strong. It should keep me safe.

I went to school the next day, excited beyond belief, well, sarcastically at least. All these guys were hitting on me. This one nerd named Mike Newton had a bag of potato chips in his hand, and I kept reaching into the bag to eat his food. It was GOOD though.

Lunch time rolled around, and some Eric boy, who also kept hitting on me, ran to the vending machines to buy me some potato chips. I was eating them when I noticed them.

"Who are they?" I asked a girl named Jessica Stanley. She was obnoxious and weird. She also had a slightly pointy nose.

"They're the Cullens. The big dark haired guy is Emmett, and he's dating his sister, Rosalie, the blonde one who looks like she spends a billion dollars at Walmart every day. The little girl with the spiky black hair is Alice, and she's insanely weird. Her man candy is Jasper, the blonde one who looks like he's in pain." She explained to me, grabbing a potato chip out of my bag. I slapped her hand in anger.

"Who's the bronze haired one?" I asked, pointing at the other Cullen.

"That's Edward. He's hot, but he doesn't like chicks. That's what I think. He doesn't like me, and I've got to be the hottest girl around, so I bet he's gay. No, I absolutely _know_ he's gay. Wait, he's staring at us. No, just you. Wait, your boobs. No, wait, he's looking at your hands. OH! I see!" She exclaimed. "He's looking at your potato chips!"

I gave him an angry, cold glare, just to let him know that those potato chips are MINE, and I'm not sharing. I still think people would kill to get their hands on these delicious potato chips.

Next, I went to biology class, and I had to sit by him. He covered his nose in disgust, and made me think I had some B.O. or something, which I probably did, because in between classes I kept running back to the cafeteria to buy more potato chips.

He kept getting snarky at me, because he's a snarky boy, that Edward Cullen. He glared at me, and flipped me off every time I barely moved. He's a jerk. And THEN he decided he was going to try transferring out of class. I hate that Edward Cullen.

. . . . .

Later on, Jessica, Angela, and I decided to go dress shopping, even though I'm not going to stinking prom anyway, because I'm a bad dancer and I wouldn't be caught _dead_ getting low at those stupid dances. Raves are much more fun. You get GLOWSTICKS! And raves have snack food, like potato chips. :)

Anyway, I abandoned my acquaintances—I refuse to call those jerks friends—to go buy a book, but I almost got gang raped by some horny college kids holding beer cans.

But a silver Volvo saved my life.

The next day, I almost got hit by Tyler Crowley and his van—he was too busy eating potato chips to hit the brakes. Of course, a certain bronze haired brat saved me by slapping the van away. Edward then used super speed to jump into the van, grab the potato chips, drop them in my lap, and run away.

Wait a minute. When he was looking at me, his eyes were sexy gold. Yesterday, they were black. This is interesting. His eyes change color.

I chased him down angrily, and demanded he tell me the truth. He told me he had an adrenaline rush, and if you google it, you'll learn the truth about stress and stuff.

So then I went to the beach with my crew—the weirdos Mike, Eric, Tyler—who kept asking me to prom, Angela, and Jessica. I would be hanging out with Ben and Lauren, too, but for some reason, they got cut and don't exist anymore.

At the beach, me and Jacob—this boy who is freaking obsessed with me—went on a walk where he told me Edward was a vampire, but I didn't believe him, because he's silly and he believes in the tooth fairy. I bet he sucks his thumb. And watches the power rangers. And has an Ash Ketchum pokemon hat. It wouldn't surprise me at all.

I went home, and I got on the computer. In some sort of daze, I googled adrenaline rush. There was nothing about stress. Edward is a liar. He's going to get punched in the face.

After that, in another sort of daze, I googled vampire. And so, my crazy shenanigans in Forks began, because I suddenly believed in vampires because of this one website, which was all about vampires eating people in Cuba.

So I called up Edward and told him to meet me out in the woods before school, and to make sure he brings "the stuff". Naturally, he caught on. Stupid genius.

Anyway, I dragged him out to the woods, and forced him to talk to me, because I'm lonely and that's what I do.

"You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. You don't go into the sunlight. Your eyes change color, and sometimes you talk like you're from another time period. Everytime I eat potato chips you give me death glares. I know what you are." I said.

"Say it, out loud." Edward said. "Say it."

"Zac Efron."

"No."

"Robert Pattison."

"No."

"FAT."

"Yes! I am! I am fat. But only because I'm constantly stuffing my face."

"With what?"

"Potato chips."

"I see."

"Are you afraid?"

"No."

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb's potato chips." Edward said, kissing me on the lips. He was so cute. I want to marry him. We could have potato chips as our reception dinner. Everyone could eat potato chips for THE WHOLE MEAL!!!

I hugged him in glee, and he took off his shirt and picked me up. He had a pretty nice eight pack abs. He was so ripped. I bet he could be an Abercrombie model. Except only aberzombies shop at Abercrombie. Stupid preps. I'd rather him be a Hot Topic model, because he's a hot topic in my mind. He ran out into the sunlight and turned into a diamond.

"You're beautiful."

"I need to lose some weight. It's those stinking potato chips. Let's go to my house."

. . . . .

We drove to his house, and they were playing stupid opera music really loud. It sucked, so I stuck my tongue out at Edward's dad. He put down the spatula and said, "NO! NO MORE FOOD FOR YOU, MISSY!"

"That's ok, I have my bag of potato chips." I said, and pulled it out. They all shot me death glares.

Rosalie smashed a bowl of salad with her bare hands. "PERFECT! _She's_ the reason the stores are out of those!" She stormed away, while Emmett just laughed.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice grinned, and sniffed my neck. "Oh, you do smell good. Like salty potato chips." She looked into my hands, and gasped. "SHARE!" I told her no, which made her angry.

"Pleasure to meet you." Jasper said politely.

"Jasper's our newest member." Carlisle said. "It's a little hard for him to resist the smell of potato chips."

"It's ok, Jasper, you won't steal her potato chips." Alice said. "Let's go play baseball!"

And so, we went outside to the back yard. "Bella, you be the umpire." Esme said, speaking for the first time in history.

"She thinks we cheat." Emmett said.

"No, we need an umpire to make sure no one sneaks into the house to eat all the potato chips!" Carlisle said.

Alice pitched the ball, and Rosalie hit it hard. "That's gotta be a home run, right?" I asked, munching on potato chips.

"Edward's very fast, especially with the smell of potato chips to motivate him." Esme explained.

The game continued, until Alice let out a blood curling screech. Everyone ran over to me and jumped in front of me, because three vampires were stepping into the yard.

One of them was a guy with long blonde hair. He had a coat and jeans on, and by looking at his waist one can tell he's commando. His mate, Victoria, had long red hair and a cape made of human hair. The third one was black. He, to this day, is the only black vampire in existence. His name was Laurent. The commando, the leader, was named James.

"JAMES!" I squealed, and started hyperventilating. He's such a bad boy. Edward hushed me, and I silenced myself.

They approached us. "I am Laurent. This is Victoria. And James." Laurent said.

"This is my family." Carlisle said. Laurent, Victoria, and James had red eyes compared to the Cullens' yellow.

The wind suddenly blew hard from behind, and James inhaled deeply. He hissed, and leaned forward stalker-ishly at me. "You brought a snack." He said.

"She's with us." Alice said. "And her potato chips."

"Fine. I'm leaving." James said, and he and his homies departed.

Edward grabbed me and threw me in a jeep. "We've got to get out of here! James is going to hunt you!"

. . . . .

"GO AWAY, EDWARD!" I shrieked, slamming the door on my boyfriend's face. I ran upstairs, and Charlie chased me.

"What's wrong, Bells?" he asked.

"I'm moving. Because I'm in love." Bella said.

"That doesn't make sense." Charlie said.

"I can't be around these potato chips anymore!" I yelled. "If I don't get away from them now, I'm going to be stuck here forever like mom was!"

I ran outside and slammed the door. Edward was in my truck. We drove away into the night.

At a hotel in Phoenix, James called me up. "Hey, baby. Meet me at the ballet studio in ten minutes for a hot time." He said.

"Ooh, good idea! I'll bring some potato chips!" I giggled, and left.

I took a taxi.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die—though I'd had reason enough within the last few months—but even if I had, I wouldn't have imagined it anything like this.

I shouldn't have bought those potato chips. If I hadn't, none of this would have happened.

James glomped me, and screamed, "Give me potato chips! Give me! Give me!"

I screamed in horror, and fell down when I heard a deafening roar. Edward yelled, "Back off! You will not touch my darling's potato chips!"

"You don't care about her?" James asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion.

"Heck no! I just want her potato chips!" Edward said.

"They'll be MY potato chips!" James hissed, and glomped Edward. Together, they danced, until Edward bit James in the throat.

James got mad, and bit me, attempting to transform me into a potato chip.

Edward attacked James, and they fought some more, before Carlisle suddenly appeared and said, "No, Edward. Think. Remember who you are. There is more to life than potato chips."

"NO!" Edward screamed, and ran to my screaming pain, because I was on fire. I think. It burned so bad.

"Suck it, Edward." Carlisle said. "Suck it dry."

"WHAT?" Edward gasped.

"Suck the venom out." Carlisle said. "You can save her from becoming a potato chip. You _know_ if that happens you won't be able to resist murdering her."

Meanwhile, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett giggled and clapped their hands while ripping James apart and dancing around the fire he was being burned in. Jasper started giggling like a little school girl in excitement.

Edward put his mouth over my wrist, where James had bit me. He started to suck my blood to save my life.

And so, he worked, but not without us all having to suffer through his bad singing.

I woke up in the hospital the next day.

"Bella, honey!" My mom laughed. "You're safe! Wow, to think I sent you to Forks just three days ago, you're already almost dead!"

"Why is it funny?" I asked, outraged, while I watched James try to kill me on TV.

"Because you almost died because of potato chips!" She giggled.

She left, and Edward kissed me.

. . . . .

"We're going to prom, Bella!" Edward laughed.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" I screamed out in pain. "The horror! The horror! The sheer horror of it all! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Burn me! Rip me apart! Set me on fire! Brand me or something! DON'T MAKE ME SUFFER THROUGH PROM!" I screeched, but it was to no avail. Edward put me in a dress and made me dance at prom.

"Why, Edward?" I asked.

"Why what, Bella?" He asked incredulously.

"Why did you save me?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"You could have let the venom spread. I could be a vampire. We could buy potato chips!" I explained.

"No, Bella. You don't want that." He said.

"Yeah huh." I said, jutting my lower lip out to pout.

He kissed my throat, and then shoved a potato chip in his mouth.


End file.
